So why would I give away the ending of this holiday TV treasure? Well, for two reasons:
- I care about you, and I don’t want you lose 25 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back, and
- This is how every. God. damn. children’s. Christmas. episode. ends. So it’s not much of a spoiler, is it?
And yeah, it’s late. Yeah, it’s just hours away from 2016. But you know what? I have a life. I have a family. I have jobs. I have hobbies. So what if my Christmas-themed post comes six days into the Christmas season? Bite me. Or chomp me, I guess, would be the more appropriate expression for this occasion.
But you know what? At the very least, I figured I should mention something about ABC’s Pac-Man cartoon, given that in October Marty Ingels, character actor who voiced Pac-Man, died of a massive stroke.
Now, as a youngster I religiously watched the Pac-Man cartoon that aired every Saturday morning…because if it had the Pac-Man name on it, then dammit, I wanted it. I’d never miss the show. It gave me some kind of back story to the maze-running dot gobbler. Again, I’d never miss it…which kind of makes you wonder why I really don’t remember anything about Christmas Comes to Pacland. But of course, I have the answer: it simply was not worth remembering. (In fact, now that I think of it, I can’t remember the plots of any episodes of the series.)
Flash forward to late 2015…feeling that it’s my duty as a Pac-Man fanboy blogger, I obligatorily watch this…special…so I can report on it.
Look, it’s nothing special. Here’s what happens: The ghost monsters want to chomp Pac-Man and his family. (They never seem to go after Chomp-Chomp or Sour Puss, do they?) Pac-Man cleverly avoids being chomped, shares some power pellets with Pepper and Pac-Baby, and joins his family in chomping the ghost monsters, who return to their hideout and then plan revenge. In other words, the same thing that happens in every other damn episode happens in this one, too. Except that there’s a lot of snow. Because it’s almost Christmas. (Or is it?) Ooh, and there’s a twist: Santa Claus’s sleigh gets disconnected from the reindeer, and Santa, the eight tiny reindeer, and the sleigh all crash land in Pacland.
And just when I think it’s as bad as can be, it gets worse from here…especially if you still count on Santa Claus to bring you wonderful presents. Injured Santa and his near-dead reindeer get plenty of camera time.
Because she’s such a humanitarian, Pepper insists that Santa and the reindeer come on over to the Pac home to warm up and recover. It is then when we learn that nobody in Pacland has ever heard of Christmas. (Perhaps this was Bob Geldof’s inspiration?) Santa dutifully tells Pac-Man and his family the meaning of Christmas and bitches and moans about how he needs to hurry his ass up and deliver toys to all the damn little rugrats of the world (in those exact words, if I remember correctly; then again, this thing bored me so much that the wording I used might not be 100% accurate), but alas, he doesn’t know where the toys ended up in the crash.
So because Pac-Man has to be the savior of everybody, he, with the help of his trusty dog Chomp-Chomp, goes to look for the sack of toys, only to find that the ghost monsters discovered it, and now he has to find a way to get the toys away from the ghost monsters (all the while avoiding being chomped) and back to Santa. And hilarity ensues!
Long story short, Pac-Man returns the toys to Santa. Santa can make his deliveries on time…oh, wait, no he can’t, because the accident delayed him. Solution? Power pellets, of course! Give the reindeer these steroids and they can deliver presents in no time!
So Pac-Man saves Christmas, and in the spirit of Christmas, the ghost monsters agree to a cease-chomp for Christmas. And all of Pacland — and the children of the world — rejoice.
There. Now go do something other than watch this stupid Christmas special. (Like listen to Pie Factory Podcast. Our next episode will include Jr. Pac-Man. Happy 2016…except if you watch this stupid damn holiday cartoon…if you do, then 2016 will not be happy but annoying. I guarantee.)